What Our Bodies Are Made Of

I may have blogged about this before, but I am going to again.

Our bodies are made of countless universes of entities that have come together out of love to give us this experience.

As I was laying in bed this morning I was renewing a meditation I learned from Allison Rice at a women's retreat she hosted.  After a couple hours of kundalini yoga she had us all lay on the floor and  say, out loud, as we focused our attention on different parts of our bodies, "I bless myself, I am, I am."

I worried about being sacrilegious for a moment, but then I tried it to see what would happen.

As I said these words I was focusing on my right elbow and a vision opened up to me.  I saw that each tiny element of my body is alive, individually!  Each moving, living, aware, part, down to the billions and billions of universes of moving atoms, electrons, neutrons, and whatever else exists on that tiny scale, is aware, thinking, working, moving, living, and cooperating with the whole, to create my body, so I could experience this physical life in this physical body!  And to top it all off, these entities are doing this out of love!

I had been taught in my life that we exist in this physical world as part of a grand plan for our advancement, our learning, our development.  This vision showed me that there is much more to the grand plan than I had previously realized!  I had also been taught that we are never alone and this vision showed me that fact in a previously unimagined way.  Not only do we have guardian angels around us as well as other spiritual entities, we live within a cooperative of physical entities who have given us this opportunity to live, move, learn, affect and be effected by the world around us.

How beautiful is that!  How amazing that understanding makes me feel.  How much more of a group effort my life is than I had previously known.

This knowledge has helped me love my body more.  I love every part of my body now.  The wrinkles, the age spots, the fat cells doing their part, as well as the parts that make me beautiful to others.  My body has been with me my whole life!  My wonderful hands, my legs, my eyes, my heart.  I am so grateful for all of this!

I share because this is something that is not just for me.  Like the molecules in my body cooperate with each other, we can cooperate with each other, sharing insights and understandings, to help each other understand this life a little bit more.

Name of Blog reverting back to Spirit Dreamer at spiritdreamermeditation.blogspot.com

          After shifting all my blogs to my other site more dedicated to my art, life, horses, family, etc., I decided after awhile I need this site which is more dedicated to spiritual themes and things I have learned through meditation and contemplation.  This will be my outlet for these deeper, sacred glimpses, of eternal truths.  I do not mean those things that are personal to me, I mean those things that appear to be for anyone and every one.

New Website: micheleballantyne.com

Dear Friends,

I have created a new website/blog to micheleballantyne.com so for blogs about art, horses, my day to day life and family, please go there.

Thank you,

Spirit Dreamer

NEW BLOG I AM CREATING IN ADDITION TO THIS ONE

NEW BLOG: micheleballantyne.com

The reason for this new blog is because much of my focus has changed from taking classes and teaching meditation and blogging about my thoughts and life -- to creating art, selling it, and blogging about my thoughts and life (some things have not changed, ha ha).

In this blog I used the name Spirit Dreamer because I love it, and it was given to me when my kids were dancing with the Talako Indian Dancers here in Orlando.  Now I am going to use my actual name which is going to be my brand for the art I make.

The big change occurring in my life, that started this outward shift, is an inner shift from taking classes and learning about living and awareness for the past 10 years, from Tom Brown Jr. of Trackerschool (see trackerschool.com), Malcolm Ringwalt of Earth-Heart (see earth-heart.net), and Carl Direske of Wilderness Fusion (see wildernessfusion.com), to stepping into my own life in a new and exciting way.  Going within and trusting myself.  Praying for help as I proceed, to stay focused on the bright path; the joy I find in life; color; art; nature; and especially family.  I feel like I am graduating to life, prepared with a sense of self I had only questioned and wondered about before.

Funny how a 57 year old woman, mother of 9 children, grandmother of 12, can feel like she is only now stepping into herself.  Well, I can't say it was the first time.  I felt I was myself when I was younger, but life has a way of challenging everything you think you know and creating doubt and fear.  I guess all those classes was like a major tune up.  I think someone calls it "sharpening the saw".  Well, my saw was rusty and had a lot of broken teeth (maybe all broken teeth).  Now I feel like I've recreated my self in my own image, which was always there, only buried underneath all the negativity, judgements, should of's, could of's, and why didn'tcha's that I was bombarded with as I lived in that state of not really remembering and validating who I am.  I remembered I know more about me than anyone else, excepting maybe for God.

Life feels exciting now.  I can't say my conscious self can take the credit for the changes though.  I was recently in to see the neurologist to find out why I was having so much anxiety and nerve pain.  After talking with him, and some tests, he said he thinks I have Conversion Disorder, a condition that presents itself physically but is based on suppressed emotions.  In other words, the subconscious mind screams at a person through  physical symptoms because the person refuses to listen otherwise. It was only thanks to my subconscious mind that I had the gumption to change everything.  Now, with John's support I am moving with the kids to Oregon to be near my extended family, and the natural world I love outdoors there, and I am starting a business to give me an opportunity to try my hand at making art and marketing it.  Of course I am obsessing every day about it and having the time of my life!

My body is directing everything, including my thoughts.  When I think of the exciting things I am creating for my life, like colors in my artwork, being with my sisters and kids in Oregon, making a business doing art, I feel like my heart is glowing with warm light and happiness, but if my thoughts drift to negative, or even neutral thoughts, my body starts hurting all over and my chest feels like it has an aching black hole in it!  Not fun!  It's a no brainer.  I have to follow the path of what feels good.  If I don't, I don't want to even think of what might happen to my sweet, faithful body.  I love my body and want to take care of it, after all, it has been with me my whole life!!!

From now on this blog will focus solely on the more spiritual side of my life as it applies to what anyone could benefit from.

May you all be blessed and trust yourself as you connect with The Great Everything (one of my pet names for God).

"The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up"-- a book review

I just finished reading a BEAUTIFUL book by Marie Kondo called

"The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up."  

I highly recommend it.  I loved the sweet feeling as I read Marie's loving description on how to clean house.  She spoke to my resistance to decluttering in her gentle, understanding way, and brought a new spiritual dimension to cleaning that I found refreshing and freeing.

She looks upon all things with gratitude and love, and even letting go of things can be done with grace and thanksgiving.  Her perception that letting go of an unused item was freeing it to be of use to someone else, and that the item will be happier if it is used, was helpful to me.

When I saw there was a section on folding socks, my first reaction was "What, she even tells us how to fold socks?  That doesn't seem that important."  But that section turned out to be a very enlightening read, and one that I will never forget.

I will not give any more away with spoilers, but I have to recommend this book to everyone, and especially to those fellow hoarders out there who tend to keep things to the extent of bogging up down.

I have begun the process and I am loving it!  I plan to have some very cheap garage sales in November (I love to see peoples faces when they get really good deals!), to release all the items I have not been using, or that do not bring me joy, so they can be used again, loved again, and be happy!

Spirit Dreamer: How learning to train a horse translated to commun...

Spirit Dreamer: How learning to train a horse translated to commun...: Horse communication . . . Human communication The other day I went with my friend Pat to a training session for her new horse, Buster....

How learning to train a horse translated to communicating with my son!

Horse communication . . . Human communication

The other day I went with my friend Pat to a training session for her new horse, Buster.  Pat was hoping Marcie could teach us how to teach Buster better ground manners.  Buster, a four year old Tennessee Walking Horse, would get too close to us and would try to chew on us as if we were chew toys.  It took all my attention to keep his mouth off me when I led him around or held him for Pat to work on his feet.  I was not afraid of him because he felt like a baby to me, and there was no maliciousness in him.  He just wanted to put anything he could get ahold of into his mouth; including his lead rope, the rubber curry comb, plastic water bottles, spray bottles, etc.

Marcie, the trainer, taught us a lesson about communication that day.

First, before taking control of Buster, Marcie switched his regular halter, which had metal rings on it, to a training halter made only of rope.  The 10 foot lead rope, which was very soft, fat, and flexible, was tied to the halter.  This were no metal hooks or clips -- so the horse could not be hurt by any metal pieces hitting him in the face.  Then she said, “I’m going to take control now.”  

Marcie stepped out onto an open grassy area with Buster, who immediately reached down and nibbled some grass by Marcie’s feet.  She gently flicked his muzzle with the end of her soft lead rope and Buster jerked to attention as if to say, “What just happened here?”  Then Marcie walked toward Buster flicking the rope with her wrists in such a way to send little circles up the lead rope to Buster’s muzzle, on one side then the other, over and over until she had backed him up about 10 feet.  Then Marcie walked back toward us, almost to the end of the lead rope and stood talking to us, explaining that she wants to teach Buster some manners and she wants him to know right now that she does not want him that close to her.  Marcie’s demeanor was always calm and in control.  She explained how she is in better control about 5 or 6 feet away from the horse’s head rather than holding the lead rope right under his chin.  She showed us how to send a loop rolling up the soft lead rope toward Buster’s head.  She explained why there was no metal on the halter or rope.  All the while she was noticing Buster, though she didn’t appear to be paying him any attention.  When Buster would tentatively take a step forward towards her, she would correct him again by walking quickly and aggressively toward him sending her rolling loops up the rope to his head.  Once he had backed up she would walk back toward us and Buster would follow, but would stay at the end of the rope where she wanted him, and not come close to her.  Buster did not act afraid, or angry, he simply was paying attention.  

I was amazed at Marcie’s confidence and ability.  Here she was, I’m guessing about 5’2”, 110 pounds, making Buster practically sitting on his haunches to back away from her as she marched to him, flinging the soft rope exaggeratedly from one side to the other sending the loops to his head.  Of course, Marcie explained to us, each horse must be evaluated and treated according to what they need, based on their personality and their past history.  She would not use this correction on a horse who was fearful or had been abused; but for Buster, it works.

Clear or unclear.

Marcie explained how vitally important clear communication is with a horse.  She asked, “If you were at a job new, and your boss was explaining what was expected of you, would you want your boss to be clear in communicating or unclear?”

We answered, “Clear.”

Marcie asked, “Would you be happy that the communication was clear?”

We said, “Yes.”

Marcie asked, “Would you be happy if the communication was unclear?”

We said, “No.”

Marcie continued, “The horse is happier when the communication is clear too.  The horse gets confused when we are not clear, and when we are not consistent.  Is it fair to the horse when we are not clear and consistent?”

We said, “No.”

Marcie went on, “Is it fair to feed a horse from your hand one minute then get after him for mouthing or biting at your hand another minute?”

We said, “No.”

Marcie emphasized, “For this horse who is so mouthy, it is important to not feed him carrots or anything else from your hand.  He needs consistency to teach him not to bite or chew on you.  This is not only for your good, it’s for the good of the horse too.  If your horse does not learn this, he will have problems in the future.”  

As she was talking to Pat and I, I was having aha moments about my life and how I could improve my communication with the people in my life.

Marcie called these very clear corrections, which may seem exaggerated to us, “Shazam” moments.  She is communicating very clearly with the horse about what is OK and what is not OK.

She went on to work with the horse to complete the hour lesson.  She stopped and talked to us a lot, explaining things, while always training the horse.  Marcie’s talking to us and appearing to ignore the horse was part of the training because she expected the horse to not do anything unless she said he could.  Marcie gave pressure when she wanted movement and released pressure when she got movement, and corrected him with a Shazam, when he tried to approach her without permission.

I get home . . . and it translates . . .

When I got home that day, Ryan was playing video games.

I said, “OK Ryan, I’m home now, it’s time to get your math done.”

He responded rudely.  

I thought -- ‘Bad behavior,’ and said, “OK, you’re grounded (Shazam!).”   No arguing, no waiting

He looked at me.  

I walked away.  

He jumped up and got his math out and said, “OK, I’m ready.”  

I ungrounded him.  Just like with the horse, pressure, release, and Shazam for the wrong behavior.

(Horse pictured above is not Buster)

Living in Vulnerability is Worth it! Here's Why . . .

Being Real, Authentic, Connected Within, and Vulnerable 

Is Worth It!

Here's Why . . .

In my last "Wilderness Fusion" class, my eyes were opened to something vital.  I have been blogging about connection with others, and connection to self, and now I want to share what I experienced that helped me see WHY this connection is vitally important.

The Hot Seat

In our last class there was one seat, lined up with the others in the circle.  That was the "hot seat."  As each student took their turn in the hot seat, our teachers helped them to identify their main addiction.  The teachers also helped the person over come the addiction in front of the class by helping the person touch/feel the place within them that the addiction was keeping them from.  When each student touched that place within, the transformation was almost unbelievable.  I will describe that transformation below, but first . . .

I'm not saying the teachers helped us forever overcome our main addiction, but the teachers helped each student consciously feel into the place we were addicted to avoiding, and the rest of the students witnessed the visible shift.

For me, as I stated in a previous blog, my main addiction was disconnecting.  I disconnected so I wouldn't feel my negative emotions.  Of course, the side effect was that I didn't feel my positive emotions either.  That ability to disconnect was a defense mechanism I developed as a protection through my life.  I thought it was pretty cool, actually, how I could simply not feel anything if I didn't want to.  Now, after a lifetime of practice, what had started as a defense mechanism had become an addiction and was getting in my way.

The teachers helped me feel into the place of connection within.  When I dropped into self connection, the place I feel emotions, I felt love for myself and compassion for myself, even though there was some emotional pain too.  The teachers could feel it.  They could see the change in me.  They helped me identify it; to mark that spot so I would have a landmark there, to help me to reach it again so I could strive for greater connectedness.

The way I found that place was to think about something I felt a connection to.  I thought about river rocks.  I don't know why but I feel very connected to them.  As I thought about my connection to the smooth dark rocks I felt myself relax and an inner peace and loving kindness toward myself flowed through my core.  I have since identified other things that help me feel that connected feeling, like painting my emotions, or spinning wool, or heart to heart talks with my children.

Living my day to day life from connectedness feels harder in the short run because I am forced to face and deal with the things causing me pain, but in the long run I know my life will be more full, and happy.  I will have to grow and made necessary changes for the better -- instead of avoiding the issues that cause me pain.

Even better . . . (here is the "below" I mentioned earlier) 

What happened NEXT is what REALLY helped me see the value of staying connected, real, and authentic.

As each student sat there, with the class witnessing, each student was guided to connect with the spot the addiction was keeping them from, I could see my classmates literally and visually change!  Each student became more solid!  More real!  And also more vulnerable.  Each student stepped into their vulnerability, with all of us witnessing.

I realized that when my classmates were in their addictions, which kept them from their inner place of connection, focus, wholeness, reality, I could not feel a connection with them, because they were not really "there".  When they sunk into that place of inner connection, however, I could connect with them.  They felt solid.  They felt real.  I could find them as they occupied their honest wholeness.   When disconnected they seemed to be only partly there; like an image, a facade, a shell, an interface with the world, which made them difficult to connect with.

Watching the transformations, being able to see the contrast before and after, I realized that no one can connect with ME when I am disconnected within!  That witnessing showed me WHY it is so important to do my own work, so that other people CAN connect with me.  I had thought there was something wrong with me, and that if they could really see me, they wouldn't want to connect with me, so I projected an image so I could remain safe, hiding my imperfection.  Now, after seeing my classmates transform into solid tangible, imperfect people who can be reached, I see that others couldn't connect with me because I was refusing to actually show up.

I want to feel a part of the world, connected to the people I care about, and I can only do this by being accessible to others, by showing up in a real and honest way, by having the courage to be connected to my whole self, to the real me, to the authentic me, and showing up for others . . . even in my imperfection and vulnerability!

References:
Wilderness Fusion healing classes with Karl Direske: wildernessfusion.com
Brene Brown's book "Daring Greatly"

Tracking Your Emotions.

Tracking intense emotions . . . . . ..   . ... .  .. . .   . ..   . ..   . ..  . ... .

In my last post I made this brash statement:

“Understanding how shame is affecting me, and understanding how shame began when I was young and how I continue to pass it forward to everything I do, allows me to discontinue that shaming voice within me.”

Well, that sounds nice, but HOW does one understand shame and how it began.

I would not have thought to track my emotions to their origin if it had not been suggested to me by a friend in my Healing Class at Wilderness Fusion, so since I brought it up, I am going to share the process with you.

HOW TO TRACK YOUR EMOTIONS

The next time you find yourself triggered by an event into an intense emotion, especially the negative emotions, instead of reacting, take some time, get some space away from others if you can, and allow yourself to go deep within yourself and say, “Show me when I first felt this emotion.”  Surrender all thoughts and allow something to come forward.  You may find yourself streaking back through time and experience.  You may notice experiences flying by as you go back in time, experiences that triggered that particular emotion in you.  You may come to the beginning and everything will slow down and you will be at the origin of that emotion, at the event that first created it in you.  When you get to that event, examine it, feel it, relive it!  

I have used this tool many times now.  As I re-live the original event that created a particular emotion in me, I understand that I felt overwhelmed by the emotion, to the point of feeling out of control and afraid, along with anger, or sadness or whatever.  I saw how that original feeling of helplessness and “out of control” was being brought forward instantly, along with similar emotional baggage from other events, and all in a bundle being dumped on me as I experienced a present event triggering that same emotion.  The fact that I am no longer a child, and supposedly an adult who can handle things better (ha ha), didn’t stop the flood of emotion which could throw me into a depression, or feeling frustrated and helpless, or at least throwing me into a bit of a funk.

These events have been described by one of my teachers as a string of pearls.  Each pearl being an event along a timeline.  As I fly by these pearls on my way to the original event, I find that in the awareness of each event the baggage is staying with the event and being dispersed along the time line.  When I am done with this exercise, the current event, the one that triggered the emotion in the NOW, is left with only the appropriate amount of emotion due it; not the whole bundle, gathered from the timeline.

If you want, you could slow down the movement of the tool by asking a different question: “When was the last time I felt this emotion?”  Surrender all thought.  An event will emerge.  Notice it with gratitude, then ask, “When else did I feel it?”  Notice it, and ask, “When else?”  Continue doing this and eventually you will get the origin of that emotion.  At any time, during this slower process, you could pick up the speed and ask, “When was the first time I felt it?” and fly through time to the origin.

This is one of those tools that, when first given to me, I couldn’t see how well it would work, or that it would work at all.  I’ve learned to trust my teachers and my classmates though, and I experiment with the tools I am given.  I am always amazed at what happens.

So Where Does Shame Fit In?

What I realized, as I relived those first experiences that brought on my extreme emotions, was that those feelings of being out of control I had as a child made me feel helpless, small, confused, afraid, and even outraged.  Those feelings created a feeling of being less than capable of handling what was going on.  I was a small child, and sometimes even an infant, and of course I was not in a position to handle or even understand my world yet.   As I looked for how these early experiences contributed to shame, and disconnection, I found that I did feel shame because I didn't understand.  The shame was deeply buried, and intellectually it may not make sense, but the shame was there, and it may be the first time I ever felt it.  What is interesting, too, is that in my earliest experience with shame, no one told me I was less than, no one shamed me, but I felt, in my helplessness, like I was not enough.  That feeling of "not enough" is a basis for shame.

I do not know how well this tool will work for you, whether you will have a similar experience or not, but perhaps you, like me, at least have a new tool to play with and learn from.

Dare Greatly everyone!

References:

Karl Direske’s Wilderness Fusion healing classes

Brene Brown’s book “Daring Greatly”

DARING GREATLY versus SHAME ON ME!

Shame on me . . . OR NOT!

"Daring Greatly"!

I've been reading Brene Brown's book called Daring Greatly.  Brown is a shame researcher and her book is hitting home with me, big time!  I even dreamed last night about all the ways I feel shame.  Let's see, there's the mother in  me, the father in me, the little girl in me, the little boy in me, the employee in me, the employer in me, the friend to others in me . . . and there were probably more, but those are the ones I could remember consciously so far.

Shame is different from guilt.  Shame is the one where one thinks 'I am not good enough.  I am not enough.'  Guilt is the one where one thinks 'I am good enough, but I did something that was not good.  I did something wrong.'  Shame is stifling and causes one to contract and feel helpless and hopeless.  Guilt can bring one to action and prompt one to make things right.

In the healing series I am currently involved in, through Wilderness Fusion with Karl Direske and the other teachers, I am looking at my main addiction: disconnecting (I have learned I disconnect with myself, my emotions, and with other people in order to feel safe), and holding that evaluation up to the shame model in Brene Brown's book.  I can see how my feelings of shame and "not good enough" are contributing to my constantly disconnecting from others and from myself.

Shame is painful.  Disconnecting from myself, or my pain, or disconnecting from others eases the pain of the shame.  Understanding this is very healing because the "shame gremlin"does not like to be seen and understood.  Understanding how shame is affecting me, and understanding how shame began when I was young and how I continue to pass it forward to everything I do, allows me to discontinue that shaming voice within me.

I highly recommend the book "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown.  I want to underline every sentence in that book!  There is so much important information in there for healing and understanding shame in our lives!!

I remember, Before I was born . . . 

There is something I have been wanting to share with the world that changed my life forever, for the better, and I believe that sharing the experience may help someone else as well because I believe that my story is for everyone and that other people's stories are for me to learn from too.  We are all in this together, and the more we share and collaborate our experiences, the better understanding we will gain, the more perspectives we can view this life from.

Some people may not believe what I say, but I know it to be true because it is my experience.

I had been going to Tracker school for about 7 years, and was at a class doing a meditation exercise, going deep within, plumbing the depths of my soul, when I hit upon a memory.  When I touched it, I re-lived it.  For a split second, I remembered how I felt when I was on my way here, to this physical body, from where I lived before.  I did not get a glimpse of that pre-existance, but I do know fully how I felt in that moment as I approached my physical life, and was almost here.

I held onto that moment for a mere split second, but the echoes of it faded slowly and I marveled at how I had felt for several minutes after.  I tried to get to that memory again but it was difficult.  I didn't give up because I now knew that memory was there, so I searched for it until I found it again and could touch the place and stand within the feeling.  I repeated this exercise over and over during the next day or so until I could reach that place easily.  Now that place is once again a part of my life and I can go there at will.

How I felt in that moment, coming to the physical world, surprised me, because I had been struggling with depression off and on for years.  I had been struggling with my fears and self imposed road blocks, that seemed insurmountable to me.  So when I touched this place, this memory, I was shocked!

My memory:  

I was on my way!  I was coming to this new existence!  I was so excited!  I was full of joy.  Words cannot adequately express how ecstatically happy I was, brimming and overflowing with the energy of absolute confidence, eagerness, anticipation, delight, great expectation, hunger for it all, indestructibility, and invincibility!  I was fearless! Bring it on!!!!  

I did not feel alone, though I saw no one near me.  I felt fully capable of mastering each and every difficulty the world could throw at me!

At this point one could be thinking, 'Ah, the innocence of a baby!  How could she know what would await her on this planet with all the challenges and problems?  She will soon see how difficult it will be.'

But the beauty of the memory is that I DID know!  I was FULLY aware of ALL the difficulties I would face!  Even in the light of full knowledge of all the hardships, all the challenges, all the pain and suffering I would experience, I was as excited as a kid on Christmas morning, and even more so -- it wasn't a shallow excitement based on some shiny lights and a few presents, that could be dashed if I didn't get what I wanted, no -- it was a deep down, core of my existence excitement, that fueled a passion to live and experience all of it, the good, and the bad,  the bitter, and the sweet.  All was a treasure to me!  EACH experience a beautiful, sparkling gem that I would hold as a treasure! A treasure to learn from! A treasure that was a part of my life experience!

This knowledge has changed my life!  I realized that the way I had been viewing my hardships was all wrong; tainted with what I had been "taught" here, tainted with false ideas and perspectives of difficulty and pain that make a person feel miserable and fearful.

How this knowledge has changed me:

I'm not saying that I no longer experience pain and fear . . . but now, when I do, I remember how I felt when I was coming here.  I go to that memory and relive it and I gain a new perspective on my challenge and my perceived pain and sorrow.  I have been sprawled out on my bed, crying bitter tears over some upset, some perceived hurt or pain or disappointment, only to remember to go to that place and feel the joy and excitement I felt coming to this world, this life, and all the challenges it holds, and I can't help but burst into a big grin and laugh because I am now experiencing one of the gems that I will hold dear forever!

No longer do I have to disconnect or go numb to endure the hardships of this life.  I can take my experiences in, and fully digest them, and glorify each moment as precious, and be grateful for each and every one of them!

So I share this with you because I believe, and it makes sense to be to believe so, that each and every one of us came here with this knowledge, this confidence, this delight and anticipation, and each one of us can relish every moment if we could remember how it felt to come here.

I encourage you to plumb the depths of your souls through quiet introspection, and discover for yourselves how amazing you each are, and how capable of joy, even through sorrow.  And I offer to you, the knowledge of my memory.  Glean what you may of the gift for yourselves.

Live with Joy!  Many blessings!

Michele

Cob and Straw Bale Cottage in Oregon

Cob and Straw-Bale Cottage in Oregon.

So much time has passed since my last blog!

I have not been teaching workshops for the past two years because I needed to focus on my own healing and growth.  Projects in Oregon, such as this straw bale house, and Florida, such as my art shed building, and travel back and forth between my two homes, and Trackerschool (see trackershool.com) classes have been a large part of how I have spent my time.  

Pictured here is the little straw bale cottage we are building in Oregon, which needs more work this summer.  I decided to use the larger snail shell house we built earlier for more public gatherings of family, and for classes, so we are in the process of creating this smaller, cozier, straw bale and cob structure.  I have to admit, I had my crew mix too much sand in the cob and the surface of the walls is crumbling, so when we get there this summer to work on it, we will be doing major resurfacing of the walls.  The little finger holes you see on the surface here are created to give a final plaster surface a grip.

Here, Cheryl, who taught me about cob after taking a class at the Cob Cottage Company, is teaching Rachel and Enrique how to mix cob.  Cheryl's mix was right, but I thought I could put more sand in it.  Now I'm going to have to fix my mistake.  They are stepping on the tarp folded over the cob.  We found it a much cleaner and easier way to work, although it probably wears out the mixing tarps faster.

I uncovered one of the cob surfaces and a little friend catapulted onto my face!  First the little frog hit my mouth and by the time we got the camera going it had crawled up a bit higher!

Ryan digs in the clay pit for worms for his favorite chicken!

Enrique gets some help digging from Gypsy.  We put the clay into large buckets and fill with water to let it soak.  By the time we get through the 12 buckets to the most freshly dug clay, it is soft.  We pour out the water into a new clay bucket, and the soaked clay is ready for mixing with sand and straw.

Cheryl and Juliana mix the clay and sand before squishing and adding straw.

The chickens can't resist getting underfoot so Cheryl and Juliana hold them as they dance the mud into cob.

Juliana and Kin pack the gaps and fill in all around the straw bales with the cob mixture.

One morning we found mysterious tracks in the wet cob "heat battery" bed we made.

Can you guess what made these tracks?  See the bottom of this blog post for the answer!

We built some lofts for sleeping and storage.  We put rails around them so kids won't roll off in their sleep.

Rachel packs cob between bales near the ceiling.

I'm sitting on the spiral "catwalk" we secured on top of the original white tarp roof before we re-covered the roof with more white tarp.  It only lasts a few years but I love how much light comes into the cottage without having to have electric lights.

I'm pulling the new tarp over the whole roof.  It's careful and physically demanding work for a grandma like me because there is only the catwalk to step upon, so I do most of my moving around by scooting.

Here you can see the giant tarp hanging over the sides ready to be trimmed and secured under the eaves with a staple gun or screws.

The sky light has been left open and is ready for the acrylic bubble dome I brought at a second hand building outlet store.




Jonah wants to climb up into the loft.

You can see the shadow of the catwalk over the cob walls so the cob could be packed up against the plywood catwalk and not simply against a moving poly tarp.  We used 1/4 inch thick plywood so it could flex to the shape of the conical roof, and doubled it so it would be strong enough to hold our weight and resist the pressure as we packed cob up against it.  As the cob dried it shrunk a bit so this coming summer we will have to fill in the gap left at the top.

Rachel is working on the top of the wall while sitting on the loft.  We made the mistake of having Enrique  working on the outside of the wall on a ladder, which was leaning against the wall.  Bad idea.  His weight on the ladder gradually caused the wall to lean inward.  It was not good and started collapsing onto the loft area with Rachel yelling for help to hold it up!

We screwed the folded edge of the white tarp to the metal flashing over the rain gutter.  We set up a system to catch the rain water off this roof for use in the garden, washing, and hopefully filter it for drinking water.
I learned a valuable lesson about listening to my body with this . . . I overworked my right arm as I continued to hold up the power drill and setting these screws.  By the end of the day and a half it took to finish the roof edge, I could't raise my right arm to work.  I rested for a couple weeks as I was at a couple Trackerschool summer classes, and when I got back it was not much better, so I dragged my arm around with the power drill screwing boards to the loft areas.  When we were finished for the summer, a few days later, I had damaged the nerves in my arm so badly (can you say carpal tunnel syndrome?  Can you say tennis elbow?) that I have not been able to do any heavy work or exercise since.  They are only now finally feeling pain free when I exercise a little bit, 14 months later!  Lesson learned . . . listen to the body when it's trying to tell you something!

Inside view of kitchen area.

Rachel in the morning ready to work holding a frozen glove!  It was getting late in the year and we were having freezing nights.  We had to break the ice in the buckets to make cob.  We were almost finished for the year, having finished the re-roofing.  The rest of the walls would have to wait for the next summer.

We began filling in with empty water and milk cartons to make the top of the wall work go faster.  This also provides excellent air space for insulation.

I have many things I have been holding in my heart,  contemplating, exploring, enjoying, that I want to start sharing on this blog.  Things I have learned through meditation and experience that have changed my life, my perspective, and how I approach the world.  Look for future blogs about these discoveries as I find time to share them, and my ongoing projects and future classes.

May you be well, be happy, and feel the joy and thrill of life in everything you experience.

Answer to the tracking mystery?  Chicken tracks!  ;-)

Still preparing for this summer!

Hello all!  Happy almost summer . . .

Above are a couple photos from my Advanced Standard Class at Tom Brown Jr's Tracker School in New Jersey.  These were taken a few years ago, but I'm gearing up for this survival experiment in Oregon so I thought I'd share a couple photos with you.  The top one is of me from our camouflage practice, and the bottom one is the inside of the debris hut I built for sleeping in.  It's built like stick and leaf and debris cocoon that you wiggle into and plug up after you're in.  It did keep me warm at night, without a sleeping bag, but I learned not to use moldy leaves!

I'm still in Florida, in the process of recovering from a minor surgery, but enjoying the silver lining of READING and lounging around, spending time with the kids and relaxing.

I'm re-reading "Tom Brown's Field Guide To Nature And Survival For Children" which has some similar information as his "Tom Brown's Field Guide to Wilderness Survival", but with a slant for children to give us adults some ideas for teaching this to them, including games to play!

As the time draws near to go to Oregon and quest for survival, I realize more and more how ill prepared I am!  I was grateful when I read in his book that it is important to prepare through the honing of wilderness skills BEFORE going into survival.  That makes good sense.

Will I actually go into full survival this summer?  I think it's real to say that working toward that goal is the only thing that will actually push me enough to practice the skills like I should.  Set a date and work toward it!

I am also considering running a vision quest class this summer as well.  If I do it will most likely be the last week of August, but that could change at this point.

I'm excited to get to Oregon and spend time with family, and play some survival and awareness games with my grandchildren!

Oh, by the way, Tom has been teaching a lot of classes online lately.  I think he may continue to do so, which really enables more people to learn from him, especially those who can't go to a physical class.  I have taken many of his online classes as have many of my friends.  We find them to be excellent.

Here's the link to the school for anyone interested in his classes:
http://www.trackerschool.com/

Verbal Abuse Book Review and Explanation

In the last 5-6 years I have been working diligently to over come verbal abuse in all it's forms in my life through clear communication.  For some people, like me, clear communication was blocked by my fear (see the next blog on fear).  But now, after coming through such a great learning of life's lessons, I can share these books with confidence and understanding.

"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "Controlling People" are both by Patricia Evans, a communications specialist.  This is is something I have learned about in a very personal way, that I can share, knowing that the power of the messages in these books are extremely valuable!

Communication is so vital.  These books really help you understand about how the seemingly benign things we say to each other can actually be hurting someone, or how the seemingly benign things people are saying to us are actually hurting us.  By shining the light on verbal abuse in it's most subtle disguises we can recognize it, understand it, and overcome it!

Check out my video book review on this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2i7b051of4

Ended juice fast. Riding bikes with kids.

Well, I came to the conclusion that if I take the time to blog something every day, I cut down too much on the free time I have to actually do the things I want to blog about!!  Ha ha!  Well, that's the way it is . . . so I will be blogging occasionally, not every day like I thought I would.

My juice fast lasted a full two days!  Not the grand amount of time I thought it would do when I started, but I learned a lot anyway.  It pushed me to really start eating the weeds in my yard.  Even after I started eating regular meals with the family John and I spent some time in the yard looking things over and caretaking.  While walking around we harvested a great big handful of Smilex (Bull Briar) tendrils and used them in the salad the family ate that afternoon.  They are so good and remind me of asparagus spears, especially when I find a really thick one (though still, over all they are much skinnier)!

The kids and I have started riding bikes, which goes along well with the "getting in shape" for survival questing I mentioned in an earlier post.  Here is a photo of us pausing at the Publix to view the baby alligator (see in the middle of the pond, center of photo).  The bike ride was wonderful as we whizzed along the bike trail, stopping to look at things and snack.  Then on the way home two of the bikes chains derailed and we were left walking!  On the next bike ride, the left pedal of the bike I was riding came off altogether and I was left walking!  It's an old bike, hard to pedal anyway, so now I'm shopping for a new one that I can really enjoy.  Another of life's distractions.

Speaking of distractions, I am seeing my ADHD more and more clearly as I attempt to focus my attention on learning survival skills!  My daughter, Melane, the ADHD diagnosed yet incredibly artistic wedding photographer, saw this "ADHD" in me a few years ago when she was diagnosed.  The more I attempt to stay focused on something, the more apparent it is to me that she's right, my attention is all over the map with things that interest me!  Life is like a candy shop to this kid!

Hibiscus

I was so tempted to quit the juice fast today . . . so I went outside and got three Hibiscus blossoms and a handful of Smilex or Bulls Briar tendrils, and fried them up with garlic, ginger and salt.  That little bit really hit the spot and saved me from quitting!  I had Juliana and Ryan each try a little bite, and Juliana was right, it was slimy!  That was the Hibiscus blossoms!  I probably missed a few ants in there too, they love the Hibiscus and whenever I pick a blossom, there are ants in it.  I didn't even worry about it though.  The ones that got out on their own didn't get eaten!

Bulls Briar (Smilax)

Eating Dollar Weed.  Today I was outside enjoying the sunrise, working on some ideas, not wanting to come inside to make some juice, so I ate some dollar weeds!  They tasted all right, but not a taste I can easily describe.  The round leaves were tender to eat, but the stems were more fibrous and I ended up spitting them out after chewing on them awhile.

Juice fasting and wild weed edibles

I decided to start juice fasting yesterday!  Gotta get in shape for this summer of wilderness and survival.  Then at about 4:30pm I got really hungry and decided to modify the juice fast to include any wild food I pick out of my beautifully lush and weedy yard.  That's one way to give myself an incentive to practice foraging!

Here's a video of the weeds I ate when I got super hungry!  Pony Foot (Dichondra carolinensis) and Spanish Needles (Bidens alba)

Back to Nature . . . Sleeping Outside!

Hey everybody!  Welcome to my blog!  Again!  

It's been awhile since I've written anything here!  But now I'm gearing up for a new adventure: SURVIVAL QUESTING THIS SUMMER!  I have a lot of work to do in preparation for this!  How many of you could walk into the woods and survive lavishly?  I know I couldn't, so I'm focusing my attention on preparation right now (along with kids and house, etc!).

I took a class last month at Tom Brown Jr's Tracker School called Temple Spirits and received such a strong vision to work on skills, to become a child of the earth, and I don't want to lose it!  I want to preserve that feeling, that inspiration.  There is a vibration that can be had only by living close to nature and by going to Tracker classes.  I want to preserve the vibration I came away from that class with, so I have begun sleeping outside on a regular basis!  So far it has been wonderful, and the weather has actually been perfect.  Hopefully when the mosquitoes come I can practice using the wild plants to ward them off!  We'll see how that goes!

In the Temple Spirits class we learned some techniques for asking questions and getting answers when it comes to our personal vision in life.  I was surprised and shocked at the answers I received, through vision, telling me the biggest demons I face that will try to knock me off my path of light are the distractions of comfort and attractive things!  WOW!  That was an eye opener!!!  I always knew the dark side was alluring, but I never suspected that the little pretty things I fill my house with are just such lures.  I spend too much time on acquiring them, taking care of them, and housing them!  Time I should be spending living my vision!  When I asked how I can heal it, I was told I can choose to turn away from the comfort, the stuff, the unimportant things that clutter my life, and focus on my family, the earth, and survival.  It shifted me at a core level and I walked away feeling such a purity of purpose.  I am ready to let go of the tawdry baubles of life and live simpler, closer to the earth and closer to family.

Priority #1:  Learn the plants--the medicinal and edible qualities.  For starters I'm reading "Botany in a Day" by Thomas Elpel from start to finish.  I am learning to recognize the different plant families and the terminology.

I've also been attending wild weed walks by Green Deane (see eattheweeds.com ) in central Florida, and also Emily Ruff (see Florida School of Holistic Living) also in central Florida.  I've found out that most of the weeds growing in my yard are either edible or medicinal or both!  There are also two highly toxic weeds here as well, and one very hallucinogenic!

When I think of survival, I know that based on the teachings of Grandfather Stalking Wolf, shelter is number one and water and fire are numbers two and three, but I can't help but think, "What am I going to eat?  What can I feed my kids?!  It's very important to learn the plants if you want to have easily obtainable survival food and medicine.  After all, you don't have to set a snare for a plant.  But you should always be respectful and caring of them, and make sure to forage in a way that benefits an area, and does not decimate the plant population!!  Always think of the future generations!

By the way, I know I set this site up for teaching, and I will probably teach again in the future, but for now I am focusing my time on learning again.  I would be open to running a vision quest again this summer in Oregon, though, if someone were interested.  I would also be open to teaching a group some of Grandfather's Philosophy too, but I am just not organizing it myself right now.