DARING GREATLY versus SHAME ON ME!

Shame on me . . . OR NOT!

"Daring Greatly"!

I've been reading Brene Brown's book called Daring Greatly.  Brown is a shame researcher and her book is hitting home with me, big time!  I even dreamed last night about all the ways I feel shame.  Let's see, there's the mother in  me, the father in me, the little girl in me, the little boy in me, the employee in me, the employer in me, the friend to others in me . . . and there were probably more, but those are the ones I could remember consciously so far.

Shame is different from guilt.  Shame is the one where one thinks 'I am not good enough.  I am not enough.'  Guilt is the one where one thinks 'I am good enough, but I did something that was not good.  I did something wrong.'  Shame is stifling and causes one to contract and feel helpless and hopeless.  Guilt can bring one to action and prompt one to make things right.

In the healing series I am currently involved in, through Wilderness Fusion with Karl Direske and the other teachers, I am looking at my main addiction: disconnecting (I have learned I disconnect with myself, my emotions, and with other people in order to feel safe), and holding that evaluation up to the shame model in Brene Brown's book.  I can see how my feelings of shame and "not good enough" are contributing to my constantly disconnecting from others and from myself.

Shame is painful.  Disconnecting from myself, or my pain, or disconnecting from others eases the pain of the shame.  Understanding this is very healing because the "shame gremlin"does not like to be seen and understood.  Understanding how shame is affecting me, and understanding how shame began when I was young and how I continue to pass it forward to everything I do, allows me to discontinue that shaming voice within me.

I highly recommend the book "Daring Greatly" by Brene Brown.  I want to underline every sentence in that book!  There is so much important information in there for healing and understanding shame in our lives!!

I remember, Before I was born . . . 

There is something I have been wanting to share with the world that changed my life forever, for the better, and I believe that sharing the experience may help someone else as well because I believe that my story is for everyone and that other people's stories are for me to learn from too.  We are all in this together, and the more we share and collaborate our experiences, the better understanding we will gain, the more perspectives we can view this life from.

Some people may not believe what I say, but I know it to be true because it is my experience.

I had been going to Tracker school for about 7 years, and was at a class doing a meditation exercise, going deep within, plumbing the depths of my soul, when I hit upon a memory.  When I touched it, I re-lived it.  For a split second, I remembered how I felt when I was on my way here, to this physical body, from where I lived before.  I did not get a glimpse of that pre-existance, but I do know fully how I felt in that moment as I approached my physical life, and was almost here.

I held onto that moment for a mere split second, but the echoes of it faded slowly and I marveled at how I had felt for several minutes after.  I tried to get to that memory again but it was difficult.  I didn't give up because I now knew that memory was there, so I searched for it until I found it again and could touch the place and stand within the feeling.  I repeated this exercise over and over during the next day or so until I could reach that place easily.  Now that place is once again a part of my life and I can go there at will.

How I felt in that moment, coming to the physical world, surprised me, because I had been struggling with depression off and on for years.  I had been struggling with my fears and self imposed road blocks, that seemed insurmountable to me.  So when I touched this place, this memory, I was shocked!

My memory:  

I was on my way!  I was coming to this new existence!  I was so excited!  I was full of joy.  Words cannot adequately express how ecstatically happy I was, brimming and overflowing with the energy of absolute confidence, eagerness, anticipation, delight, great expectation, hunger for it all, indestructibility, and invincibility!  I was fearless! Bring it on!!!!  

I did not feel alone, though I saw no one near me.  I felt fully capable of mastering each and every difficulty the world could throw at me!

At this point one could be thinking, 'Ah, the innocence of a baby!  How could she know what would await her on this planet with all the challenges and problems?  She will soon see how difficult it will be.'

But the beauty of the memory is that I DID know!  I was FULLY aware of ALL the difficulties I would face!  Even in the light of full knowledge of all the hardships, all the challenges, all the pain and suffering I would experience, I was as excited as a kid on Christmas morning, and even more so -- it wasn't a shallow excitement based on some shiny lights and a few presents, that could be dashed if I didn't get what I wanted, no -- it was a deep down, core of my existence excitement, that fueled a passion to live and experience all of it, the good, and the bad,  the bitter, and the sweet.  All was a treasure to me!  EACH experience a beautiful, sparkling gem that I would hold as a treasure! A treasure to learn from! A treasure that was a part of my life experience!

This knowledge has changed my life!  I realized that the way I had been viewing my hardships was all wrong; tainted with what I had been "taught" here, tainted with false ideas and perspectives of difficulty and pain that make a person feel miserable and fearful.

How this knowledge has changed me:

I'm not saying that I no longer experience pain and fear . . . but now, when I do, I remember how I felt when I was coming here.  I go to that memory and relive it and I gain a new perspective on my challenge and my perceived pain and sorrow.  I have been sprawled out on my bed, crying bitter tears over some upset, some perceived hurt or pain or disappointment, only to remember to go to that place and feel the joy and excitement I felt coming to this world, this life, and all the challenges it holds, and I can't help but burst into a big grin and laugh because I am now experiencing one of the gems that I will hold dear forever!

No longer do I have to disconnect or go numb to endure the hardships of this life.  I can take my experiences in, and fully digest them, and glorify each moment as precious, and be grateful for each and every one of them!

So I share this with you because I believe, and it makes sense to be to believe so, that each and every one of us came here with this knowledge, this confidence, this delight and anticipation, and each one of us can relish every moment if we could remember how it felt to come here.

I encourage you to plumb the depths of your souls through quiet introspection, and discover for yourselves how amazing you each are, and how capable of joy, even through sorrow.  And I offer to you, the knowledge of my memory.  Glean what you may of the gift for yourselves.

Live with Joy!  Many blessings!

Michele

Cob and Straw Bale Cottage in Oregon

Cob and Straw-Bale Cottage in Oregon.

So much time has passed since my last blog!

I have not been teaching workshops for the past two years because I needed to focus on my own healing and growth.  Projects in Oregon, such as this straw bale house, and Florida, such as my art shed building, and travel back and forth between my two homes, and Trackerschool (see trackershool.com) classes have been a large part of how I have spent my time.  

Pictured here is the little straw bale cottage we are building in Oregon, which needs more work this summer.  I decided to use the larger snail shell house we built earlier for more public gatherings of family, and for classes, so we are in the process of creating this smaller, cozier, straw bale and cob structure.  I have to admit, I had my crew mix too much sand in the cob and the surface of the walls is crumbling, so when we get there this summer to work on it, we will be doing major resurfacing of the walls.  The little finger holes you see on the surface here are created to give a final plaster surface a grip.

Here, Cheryl, who taught me about cob after taking a class at the Cob Cottage Company, is teaching Rachel and Enrique how to mix cob.  Cheryl's mix was right, but I thought I could put more sand in it.  Now I'm going to have to fix my mistake.  They are stepping on the tarp folded over the cob.  We found it a much cleaner and easier way to work, although it probably wears out the mixing tarps faster.

I uncovered one of the cob surfaces and a little friend catapulted onto my face!  First the little frog hit my mouth and by the time we got the camera going it had crawled up a bit higher!

Ryan digs in the clay pit for worms for his favorite chicken!

Enrique gets some help digging from Gypsy.  We put the clay into large buckets and fill with water to let it soak.  By the time we get through the 12 buckets to the most freshly dug clay, it is soft.  We pour out the water into a new clay bucket, and the soaked clay is ready for mixing with sand and straw.

Cheryl and Juliana mix the clay and sand before squishing and adding straw.

The chickens can't resist getting underfoot so Cheryl and Juliana hold them as they dance the mud into cob.

Juliana and Kin pack the gaps and fill in all around the straw bales with the cob mixture.

One morning we found mysterious tracks in the wet cob "heat battery" bed we made.

Can you guess what made these tracks?  See the bottom of this blog post for the answer!

We built some lofts for sleeping and storage.  We put rails around them so kids won't roll off in their sleep.

Rachel packs cob between bales near the ceiling.

I'm sitting on the spiral "catwalk" we secured on top of the original white tarp roof before we re-covered the roof with more white tarp.  It only lasts a few years but I love how much light comes into the cottage without having to have electric lights.

I'm pulling the new tarp over the whole roof.  It's careful and physically demanding work for a grandma like me because there is only the catwalk to step upon, so I do most of my moving around by scooting.

Here you can see the giant tarp hanging over the sides ready to be trimmed and secured under the eaves with a staple gun or screws.

The sky light has been left open and is ready for the acrylic bubble dome I brought at a second hand building outlet store.




Jonah wants to climb up into the loft.

You can see the shadow of the catwalk over the cob walls so the cob could be packed up against the plywood catwalk and not simply against a moving poly tarp.  We used 1/4 inch thick plywood so it could flex to the shape of the conical roof, and doubled it so it would be strong enough to hold our weight and resist the pressure as we packed cob up against it.  As the cob dried it shrunk a bit so this coming summer we will have to fill in the gap left at the top.

Rachel is working on the top of the wall while sitting on the loft.  We made the mistake of having Enrique  working on the outside of the wall on a ladder, which was leaning against the wall.  Bad idea.  His weight on the ladder gradually caused the wall to lean inward.  It was not good and started collapsing onto the loft area with Rachel yelling for help to hold it up!

We screwed the folded edge of the white tarp to the metal flashing over the rain gutter.  We set up a system to catch the rain water off this roof for use in the garden, washing, and hopefully filter it for drinking water.
I learned a valuable lesson about listening to my body with this . . . I overworked my right arm as I continued to hold up the power drill and setting these screws.  By the end of the day and a half it took to finish the roof edge, I could't raise my right arm to work.  I rested for a couple weeks as I was at a couple Trackerschool summer classes, and when I got back it was not much better, so I dragged my arm around with the power drill screwing boards to the loft areas.  When we were finished for the summer, a few days later, I had damaged the nerves in my arm so badly (can you say carpal tunnel syndrome?  Can you say tennis elbow?) that I have not been able to do any heavy work or exercise since.  They are only now finally feeling pain free when I exercise a little bit, 14 months later!  Lesson learned . . . listen to the body when it's trying to tell you something!

Inside view of kitchen area.

Rachel in the morning ready to work holding a frozen glove!  It was getting late in the year and we were having freezing nights.  We had to break the ice in the buckets to make cob.  We were almost finished for the year, having finished the re-roofing.  The rest of the walls would have to wait for the next summer.

We began filling in with empty water and milk cartons to make the top of the wall work go faster.  This also provides excellent air space for insulation.

I have many things I have been holding in my heart,  contemplating, exploring, enjoying, that I want to start sharing on this blog.  Things I have learned through meditation and experience that have changed my life, my perspective, and how I approach the world.  Look for future blogs about these discoveries as I find time to share them, and my ongoing projects and future classes.

May you be well, be happy, and feel the joy and thrill of life in everything you experience.

Answer to the tracking mystery?  Chicken tracks!  ;-)

Still preparing for this summer!

Hello all!  Happy almost summer . . .

Above are a couple photos from my Advanced Standard Class at Tom Brown Jr's Tracker School in New Jersey.  These were taken a few years ago, but I'm gearing up for this survival experiment in Oregon so I thought I'd share a couple photos with you.  The top one is of me from our camouflage practice, and the bottom one is the inside of the debris hut I built for sleeping in.  It's built like stick and leaf and debris cocoon that you wiggle into and plug up after you're in.  It did keep me warm at night, without a sleeping bag, but I learned not to use moldy leaves!

I'm still in Florida, in the process of recovering from a minor surgery, but enjoying the silver lining of READING and lounging around, spending time with the kids and relaxing.

I'm re-reading "Tom Brown's Field Guide To Nature And Survival For Children" which has some similar information as his "Tom Brown's Field Guide to Wilderness Survival", but with a slant for children to give us adults some ideas for teaching this to them, including games to play!

As the time draws near to go to Oregon and quest for survival, I realize more and more how ill prepared I am!  I was grateful when I read in his book that it is important to prepare through the honing of wilderness skills BEFORE going into survival.  That makes good sense.

Will I actually go into full survival this summer?  I think it's real to say that working toward that goal is the only thing that will actually push me enough to practice the skills like I should.  Set a date and work toward it!

I am also considering running a vision quest class this summer as well.  If I do it will most likely be the last week of August, but that could change at this point.

I'm excited to get to Oregon and spend time with family, and play some survival and awareness games with my grandchildren!

Oh, by the way, Tom has been teaching a lot of classes online lately.  I think he may continue to do so, which really enables more people to learn from him, especially those who can't go to a physical class.  I have taken many of his online classes as have many of my friends.  We find them to be excellent.

Here's the link to the school for anyone interested in his classes:
http://www.trackerschool.com/

Verbal Abuse Book Review and Explanation

In the last 5-6 years I have been working diligently to over come verbal abuse in all it's forms in my life through clear communication.  For some people, like me, clear communication was blocked by my fear (see the next blog on fear).  But now, after coming through such a great learning of life's lessons, I can share these books with confidence and understanding.

"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" and "Controlling People" are both by Patricia Evans, a communications specialist.  This is is something I have learned about in a very personal way, that I can share, knowing that the power of the messages in these books are extremely valuable!

Communication is so vital.  These books really help you understand about how the seemingly benign things we say to each other can actually be hurting someone, or how the seemingly benign things people are saying to us are actually hurting us.  By shining the light on verbal abuse in it's most subtle disguises we can recognize it, understand it, and overcome it!

Check out my video book review on this link:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D2i7b051of4

Ended juice fast. Riding bikes with kids.

Well, I came to the conclusion that if I take the time to blog something every day, I cut down too much on the free time I have to actually do the things I want to blog about!!  Ha ha!  Well, that's the way it is . . . so I will be blogging occasionally, not every day like I thought I would.

My juice fast lasted a full two days!  Not the grand amount of time I thought it would do when I started, but I learned a lot anyway.  It pushed me to really start eating the weeds in my yard.  Even after I started eating regular meals with the family John and I spent some time in the yard looking things over and caretaking.  While walking around we harvested a great big handful of Smilex (Bull Briar) tendrils and used them in the salad the family ate that afternoon.  They are so good and remind me of asparagus spears, especially when I find a really thick one (though still, over all they are much skinnier)!

The kids and I have started riding bikes, which goes along well with the "getting in shape" for survival questing I mentioned in an earlier post.  Here is a photo of us pausing at the Publix to view the baby alligator (see in the middle of the pond, center of photo).  The bike ride was wonderful as we whizzed along the bike trail, stopping to look at things and snack.  Then on the way home two of the bikes chains derailed and we were left walking!  On the next bike ride, the left pedal of the bike I was riding came off altogether and I was left walking!  It's an old bike, hard to pedal anyway, so now I'm shopping for a new one that I can really enjoy.  Another of life's distractions.

Speaking of distractions, I am seeing my ADHD more and more clearly as I attempt to focus my attention on learning survival skills!  My daughter, Melane, the ADHD diagnosed yet incredibly artistic wedding photographer, saw this "ADHD" in me a few years ago when she was diagnosed.  The more I attempt to stay focused on something, the more apparent it is to me that she's right, my attention is all over the map with things that interest me!  Life is like a candy shop to this kid!

Hibiscus

I was so tempted to quit the juice fast today . . . so I went outside and got three Hibiscus blossoms and a handful of Smilex or Bulls Briar tendrils, and fried them up with garlic, ginger and salt.  That little bit really hit the spot and saved me from quitting!  I had Juliana and Ryan each try a little bite, and Juliana was right, it was slimy!  That was the Hibiscus blossoms!  I probably missed a few ants in there too, they love the Hibiscus and whenever I pick a blossom, there are ants in it.  I didn't even worry about it though.  The ones that got out on their own didn't get eaten!

Bulls Briar (Smilax)